I am beside myself.  Where I live, state law says that drivers under 18 can not have more than one passenger in the car with them at anytime and they have to be home by certain curfew hours.

So today my daughter and her new boyfriend rode the bus home where we met him for the first time. Nice kid… shook my hand (twice) and seemed very respectful.  Erin asked if I could take them to the ball park to watch another friend’s softball game.  I was considering it, but they decided to walk to a friend’s house for a little while.

While at the friend’s house, another friend showed up in her car.  Without asking, they all hopped into the car and have decided to drive around.  While I understand that kids like to hang out with their friends, I am livid that she is essentially breaking the law right now.  There were five of them in the car at one time. And she did it without permission.

Ay yi yi…

What bothers me is that our mother-daughter relationship has finally been fantastic after years of working on it.  Now I’m going to have to ground her and throw our progress out the window.  I guess that’s what parenting is all about, though.  I’m not here to be her friend… I’m here to raise her into a responsible, smart adult.

Photo by My Aim is True from Flickr Creative Commons.

Erin asked for help with her homework this evening.  She is taking personal finance instead of physical education and truly it has helped her understand what it’s like to earn a living.

Tonight’s assignment was to figure out the net pay on fictional paychecks.  The first person netted only $700 and change after paying tax, social security, medicaid and medicare, and 401(k).  I told Erin how much it usually costs for rent, utilities, car payments, food, and other expenses.  Then I told her how much our mortgage payment is, along with our other monthly expenses.

Her eyes got really big and she said, “HOW DO YOU DO IT?”

This was the moment it occurred to her that when we say, “We don’t have the money, honey.” that we really don’t have the money.

Piggy bank photo by Phillip Brewer via Flickr Creative Commons.

Shockingly, I have found a silver lining in this abysmal economy!  For the last several years, I have run so much that I’ve caught up with myself (a few times!).  Because our new reality budgeting requires us to cut back on expenses, some of the extracurricular activities have been greatly trimmed.

Erin had to give up baton twirling.  Suddenly we have several extra nights a week free (from classes and private lessons) and we have an extra free weekend each month (no workshops or competitions).  As the holiday season rolls around, we also have our weekends free from parades unless we want to go watch one.   In the past, every single weekend starting at the end of November was booked for area parades.  Night parades where we had to put lights on cars, day time parades where we decorated with green, silver, and gold garland and big red bows.

We are saving at least $300 per month by leaving the sport (and it was often more than that when figuring in lunches and extras).  That’s a car payment we can now send.

What’s the plus side?   We don’t have our “together” time in the car anymore fighting over the radio (I don’t like listening to Drake, Trey Songz, and Nicki Minaj while she *loves* them).  Instead, we sit in the living room after school or in the evenings when we’re both home and talk about school, who she likes, and how cute the new kitten is.  We talk about the guys at her school (not “boys” because she’s in high school now!).  We talk about teachers.  We talk about whether she should become a cosmetologist or an ultra-sound technician.

Having this free time is marvelous.

A friend called this morning upset because she found a cigarette butt floating in her daughter’s toilet when she got home from work last night.  Her first thought was that her kid had sneaked someone into the house during Mom’s absence.  But she snooped in her kid’s drawers and found a half empty pack of smokes.

I understand the Mom’s anger because no one wants to find out their child smokes.  It’s unhealthy, expensive, makes your teeth brown, and you and your clothes smell bad.  It’s just not a good habit to develop!

Then there’s the daughter’s side.  She may lose some of the trust she feels in her Mom because Mom went through her private belongings.  Plus Mom is a smoker – indoors, outdoors, and everywhere in between. Except for the fact that she is not 18 so is forbidden by law to buy cigarettes, what could her Mom say to convince her not to smoke?  If not now, then eventually?

I say to all parents out there – if you’re doing something considered unhealthy in front of your children, don’t be surprised if your child eventually does it too.

Photo by conanil via flickr creative commons.

Boy were my days messed up yesterday! 

From FFFFOUND!

H/T Brittney.

I’m no psychologist, but I know when I’ve been betrayed by someone.  Perhaps you are comforting a distraught friend during an emotional time and you share a story that will help either to inspire or to show they are not alone in whatever they are going through.

I did this recently and a month later I found out my story (which I asked to keep confidential as I kept his information confidential) had been told.

Feeling hurt never entered the picture.  Instead, I was angry and felt betrayed.  Usually I am very non-confrontational, but this time I picked up the phone and talked with the person who spilled my secret.

“I just got off the phone with Donna* who questioned me about *insert private thing here*.  I am just calling to say that in the future, do NOT mention my name in your feuds.  I am not going to be dragged in the middle of your arguments and don’t appreciate that you betrayed my confidence.”

I received an apology and was reassured that it wouldn’t happen again.

You know what?  It sure felt good to stand up and defend my honor like that.

*Donna not her real name.

Photo by Sarah G. via flickr creative commons.

Erin and I have worked really hard over the last few years to build a good relationship.  Our personalities are so much alike that we’ve had a tendency to clash – like two titans throwing lightning at each other.  Throughout the years, we’ve told her that she gets what she gives.

About mid-summer something clicked.  Everything we’ve worked toward in having a loving mother-daughter relationship – all the jokes, all the concerns, all the conversations – finally came together so that she understands that she is deeply loved.  Erin finally understands that no matter what, no matter how old we both grow, she will always be precious to me.

Why would I write about this now?  Because tonight marked the time that a third person commented on how well we were getting along.  One person said, “You and Erin are doing great now, aren’t you?!”

I smile and say, “Yes we are.  We’ve worked really hard together to get here and I love it.”

At one point I didn’t think we’d reach this destination.  I hope we stay here for a long, long time.

Erin had to drop out of a sport for reasons out of her control.  She had a love hate relationship with it anyway.  She enjoyed the competition and it was good for her because mostly she tried to have fun with it and no matter the results, she always was a good sport.  She had to give up a title she won this year, but were excited that a very deserving girl was the new recipient.

Today the new girl was presented with the title and Erin had the opportunity to go see her receive it, plus she wanted to support her friends in today’s tryouts for teams.  But today… three of them at team tryouts wouldn’t even speak to her.  They wouldn’t speak to their friend of five years because – apparently – she is no longer in their club.

As a Mom, I’m very hurt for Erin and I’m angry as a Momma Bear.  Another girl left the organization during national competition because some of these same girls didn’t include her in a ghost tour.  While I think the whole situation was blown out of proportion, I can definitely understand the hurt that must have been inflicted upon her after years and years of being snubbed.

The snubbing also happens online.  While no one is “teased” per se, the constant posts about how much they love this person or that person and how much they miss her and her and how much they loved spending time with her and her and they are best friend forever! … that over-the-top I’ll-make-sure-the-whole-world-knows-who-I-like-and-it’s-not-you is exhausting.  It’s subtle, but feels deliberate.  And today rather confirmed it.

Erin felt the full force of the snubbing today.  As a result, she will *never* go back to that sport unless it’s with a private coach only and away from these three.   It also bothers me that the parents of these girls will trip over themselves to make excuses for their behavior.  Maybe there was a headache.  Or that’s just how the girl is when she’s concentrating or feels stressed. Or it just wasn’t a big deal, right?

However, what I see are spoiled, mean girls who are never held accountable for their poor sportsmanship.  I understand they can pick their own friends, but there is a thing called common courtesy they should practice.

I do not wish bad or evil on them or their families.  What I wish is that they could see how other people view their behavior.  It’s not pretty.  It’s not good.  Shame on them for ignoring someone who was there to support them and cheer them on and who just wanted to be their friend.

Meanwhile, I’m proud of Erin because when she got home she said, “Mom. It’s just not worth fighting over.” and she let it go.  I think my daughter is sometimes a bigger person than me.

Chocolate cupcakes are a distant second place on my list of favorite things in the world.  First place is…

Laughing babies!

Happy Weekend!