Totally random picture on this, because there’s really not a good picture that goes along with this post. I want to know if you guys think I should report these people to CPS, and if I do, what in the heck should I say? Oy.
This is a hard post to write, really. I am a big believer in live-and-let-live. Sure, you might not parent like I do, and I might think you’re making bad parenting choices, but for the most part, I wouldn’t report a person to CPS unless I think they’re doing something REALLY bad.
I’ve only reported one person to CPS ever, and it was these people that would stay up until about 5 AM drinking an using drugs, then their kid would get up about 6 or 7 AM, hungry, and they wouldn’t feed him. If that wasn’t bad enough, if he got food for himself, they considered it to be "stealing food", and ended up locking the refrigerator door so the kid went hungry all day until they got up around 2 in the afternoon. Add that to the filthiest house I have ever seen and I finally decided to call CPS. It ended up in the news once CPS finally showed up at their house- it had been about 6 months since I had seen them/reported them, and their house had gotten filthy to the point where there was feces all on their floor and in the tub- it was a horrible situation for the child. I felt like I did the right thing. Those parents didn’t really care about the kid.
But this situation is totally different. The kid, who we’ll call "Bob", his dad is CRAZY about him, and his mom, well, I don’t know. I think she really only cares about herself.
Bob is 4 years old. Ever since he was born, his mom, "Mary", has complained about not getting enough "me" time. Which is ridiculous, because she gets more time away from her kid than I have ever seen any other mother get time away. Bob’s dad, "John" does spend a lot of time with him. The problem is, John absolutely does not discipline Bob in any way, no matter what he does. Mary gets fed up with Bob’s behavior and will spank the absolute bejesus out of him- and they have said to me they have spanked him with a belt as well- ack.
It seems to be a cycle of letting him do whatever he wants, then he gets the crap spanked out of him, then they buy him a bunch of crap to make up for it. He is one of the worst-behaved children I have ever seen in my life. He is defiant, spoiled, and selfish, but more disturbing- I once saw him purposely kick a baby in the head (I was across the room and was unable to stop it, only watched in horror), I’ve caught him torturing cats, and he tends to do things to try to hurt himself.
I’m afraid they are raising a sociopath. I’ve tried to talk to them a million times about positive discipline, anger management, time outs, parenting classes, you name it. They tell me Bob is a good kid and he "just acts out sometimes"- but literally every time I have been around Bob, he has done something so bad that my own kids are appalled.
I really don’t know what to do. If I called CPS on them, what do I say? They spank their kid? It’s not illegal. Hitting your kid with a belt is, probably, but I’ve never witnessed it- they’ve only *said* they did it. Plus, these people are my friends. I’ve known them since before they had the kid. I liked them so much better before they had the kid, now their parenting of this kid is really coming between our friendship.
What would you do?
Technorati Tags: bad parenting, CPSAdd to:
Wow, that is horrible. It's really a tricky situation….I assume you have gone the route of, "Oh you have to read this great new positive discipline book I found…it has made such a difference in "Mary's" behavior." ????
Posted by: lcreekmo | June 5th, 2007 1:11 pm |
I would like to think that the authorities would be unbiased enough that they'd go in, assess the situation, and then determine whether or not action needs to be taken. Then you wouldn't have to feel guilty about trying to protect a child.
Can you call them anonymously and ask someone there without giving out the parents' names? Perhaps someone at CPS could advise you on reporting them or not.
Posted by: jag | June 5th, 2007 1:11 pm |
I don't know. That is a sad story though. The poor kid just needs to be loved and he sounds like he is crying out for attention. Breaks my heart.
Posted by: Glen Dean | June 5th, 2007 1:37 pm |
I've only turned in one kid and then it was because I had to by law due to being in a position of authority. The problem is when you turn someone in – even when you try to do it anonymously – they ask enough tricky questions that they can usually figure out who you are. Plus, CPS said that usually the parents can figure out who made the call. So if you do turn them in, rehearse in your head every question that might be asked of you, incuding: Did you witness this? How long ago? Have you seen it more than once? Do you feel the child is in danger? Where did you witness said incident? Would you be willing to testify? … you get the idea. Is the friendship worth more to you than the safety and well-being of the child (he does sound like a sociopath). Good luck!
Posted by: Kathy T. | June 5th, 2007 1:40 pm |
This is an innocent kid with hopefully a chance to change. I would not worry about the "friends" or what they will think of you. You should do your best to protect the child. I don't know if emotional neglect counts, though, in our society. Usually when it comes to CPS it is just physical abuse they are concerned with.
Posted by: Kristen | June 5th, 2007 6:50 pm |
Hi! My personal opinion — If you know and trust any mental health professionals (therapist, psychiatrist, etc.) give them a call and see what they think. If they think this child is experiencing abuse, not only will they encourage you to call DCS — they are legally obligated to call DCS.
I commend you for loving this child AND your friends enough to want to intervene.
Posted by: Christy | June 5th, 2007 10:46 pm |
I think calling CPS would be like using a hammer to smash a bug. There's some intermediate steps, like sitting down with the mom and asking her what isn't working, and doing some family therapy.
They need counseling and training to present a united front and have a couple more tools in their box for enforcing and *teaching* discipline. The kid has to learn to restrain himself, and the belt isn't going to do that the way the mom is using it. Also, kids this age go through periods of good behaviour and awful behaviour (when they try testing the limits again), and you just have to accept that and respond proportionately.
Right now, the dad is going easy on the kid 'cos he thinks the mom is too hard on him, the mom thinks she has to compensate for the dad's leniency, and the kid is both angry and confused on what behaviour is acceptable. The bad behaviour is him trying to figure out what is acceptable and what isn't, and right now the signals he's getting are all over the map. There's still time to sort this out, but not a whole lot of time.
It sounds also like your friend the mom is a bit ambivalent about the kid, and that needs to be worked out also. [It doesn't matter that the Mom gets lots of time away from the kid: two bad episodes of the kid misbehaving and you're exhausted even if you've only spend 15 minutes with them.]
I had a somewhat analogous position: friend adopted two kids, kids were wild (they initially didn't speak much English, so there were communication problems), and the dad was undermining the mom's attempts to discipline the kids. The mom got frustrated, asked my wife to ask me to get the Dad to get on the same page. I had the conversation, and now the mom and dad are on the same page for discipline and the kids are a lot happier.
Posted by: Sock Puppet of the Great Satan | June 6th, 2007 9:29 am |
Call CPS. Torturing animals is a crime, and a serious indicator that this kid is *not* going to be ok or grow out of it. There are strong correlations between torturing animals and violent crime. (Torturing animals is also an indicator of family violence.) Self-injurous behavior in children is also a bad sign–it's bad enough in a teenager or adult, but much worse in children. If you are uncomfortable calling CPS specifically, talk to the guidance counselor at this child's school. The guidance counselor can investigate further, take your concerns on recommendation, or advise you how to proceed.
You have clearly tried talking to the parents, and they are not taking the steps they need to take (parenting classes, family counseling, therapy for the child, etc). This is more than inconsistent parenting raising a brat. This child needs help, badly.
Posted by: qwyneth | June 6th, 2007 12:33 pm |
In lieu of CPS–because they might not have enough to make a full investigation and what the child really needs is mental health help–you can call the child abuse hotline and ask for help or resources. http://www.childhelp.org/ or 1-800-4-A-CHILD.
(Sorry, when I wrote my first comment I assumed the child was older, hence the guidance counselor recommendation.)
The diagnosis this kid is zooming towards is conduct disorder, btw. Googling that generates some good hits, and what appears to be an active community of parents of conduct disorder kids. Perhaps one of them could suggest resources or ways of talking with these parents. Good luck!
Posted by: qwyneth | June 6th, 2007 1:00 pm |
Have you ever thought of approaching the father rather than the mom? It seems the mom is completely narcisistic and narcisist won't see anyone elses view but their own, and they are truly a friend of none. Maybe you can get through to the dad, he seems like a better person who will have his childs interest at heart. Maybe the mom should go back to the singles bars!
Posted by: Kathy H | June 6th, 2007 2:08 pm |